I went back to school in August to *finally* finish my ABA online. Then I got a notice in the mail last week telling me that I have enough school credits to graduate now. So I look into it, and it turns out all I would earn is an AGS, which is not exactly impressive on a resume. I had been depressed for weeks before this, but something about that letter got my wheels turning again. I started thinking about where I want to go next.
Since my brother died, I have been paralyzed in a lot of ways. And living with the controlling, narcissistic man I am with has really torn me down as a person. But I want that to change, so I started thinking about how I can move forward with my career and earn my own money. I want to be a person who makes a difference, not the repressed, soul-crushed housemaid who never speaks and cries every day.
I started looking into work and quickly realized I needed to display my talents in order to get anywhere online. So I created two websites; this one you are visiting right now, and a second one as a supplementary part of an assignment for my entrepreneurship class (munciecooperative.wordpress.com). Next thing I know, I am going to interviews all over town (I haven’t worked or even tried to work because of being sick for over a year) and suddenly I have phone interviews for internships for writing, and all these great things are happening. So what happened next? Well, I had a complete breakdown of course.
In case you can’t see why, let me break it down for you. This was a classic example of me ascending into a hypomanic state (which I am on the tail-end of now). Hypomania, is associated with Bipolar II, not Bipolar I or BPD. It is a mild form of mania, but even though it is on a lower scale, it can be just as scary. Fits of screaming and crying, throwing things, punching the wall, those are all things I have been guilty of doing in a heightened hypomanic state. Usually, the hypomania shows up after I have been depressed and avoiding things for so long that I suddenly discover I need a change and I need it now. Then comes the whirlwind of activity and thought, anxiety and sleeplessness take over. I barely eat for days because I have no appetite. Just a lot of coffee.
I know this state is just part of a cycle that I can manage if I carefully weigh what I am realistically capable of doing against the bounty of options that have suddenly cropped up. I can do it a lot better, though, if I have the support of my partner. This is not an option for me personally, so the best I can hope for is that he won’t complain that I am investing so much time in my work.
Well, that’s unrealistic too, but that’s okay. As long as I can avoid him. Nope. That didn’t work either. So now what do I do? Well, that’s where the breakdown comes in. I have yet to get him to understand that to motivate a person, you must give them encouragement, make them feel important. By degrading me and telling me I’ll never amount to anything, do you think I am going to try harder? No.
I just go into work every day, punch my time card, and do as little as possible (for the boss) as I can to get by. Just like in Office Space. That’s all my life is right now, rented space in someone else’s home. This is not my home, you’ve made that very clear. But that’s alright because being with the wrong person has given me the insight to know what I do not want next time around.