The stone that the builder refuse, will always be the head cornerstone. – Bob Marley
Lately, I have noticed my energy has been aligned with my stepfather’s to the point where it has almost become obnoxious. For instance, whenever I head towards the kitchen, he is already there or shows up shortly thereafter. If my daughter and I change the channel on the television while he is upstairs, he comes down from playing the guitar usually within minutes to change the channel. And so on.
This parallel energy reminds me of a couple of things. First, it is reminiscent of women who all menstruate at the same time after spending time together. This is not exactly what I think is going on, however. I believe there is more to it.
Instead, it really reminds me of a vision I had – when closing my eyes – a few months ago, of eels all fighting for the same space in one small area. The eel thing is not all that strange because I worked for an aquarium with electric eels in it last summer. What is odd is having that moment of clarity helped me to understand how energy works in humans and other creatures.
Dreaming of Flowers
Tonight, I woke up at 3 AM after having a bizarre dream. My mother was possibly sick with cancer, and when I tried to hand her the test results that had come in the mail, my stepfather interfered and told me I was just looking for attention. I told him that I didn’t want his attention and was not interested in even speaking to him anymore.
Immediately following, I was outside and there were children climbing along a fence line with strange flowers blooming along the edge. The children were in between the flowers and the fence, somewhat blocking my view of the flowers. Noticeably, though, there was a sliding gate where the flowers were blooming. I was on the inside of the gate.
I awoke at that point and heard the upstairs bathroom being used. Yes, I can hear it from the basement. I knew it was him; he wakes up regularly at night, just as I do.
I began thinking about that dream with the flowers; what does it mean? So naturally, I turned to the internet. In my youth, I possessed a dream dictionary, but alas, it is mine no longer.
First, I began thinking about the flowers. They generally represent growth and hope. Then I thought of why I was dreaming of my mother possibly having cancer. It was difficult to find a good interpretation, but it appears that it must represent some negativity I am harboring. This would make sense, since I have some lingering anger for her choice of staying with a man I perceive as abusive for so long. The fact that he was trying to get in between my mother and I especially reinforced that idea.
Next, the children came to mind. They can mean many things, yet, what I found to relate to the rest of the dream was that in some sense I need to grow up. The fact that there was a fence with a gate in between myself and the children and flowers is also symbolic. The fence may mean I have built a protective barrier around myself, while the gate stands for my ability to get through it.
So what does it all mean put together? I believe that my negativity toward my parents for their faults and even their anger toward me, has caused me to build up a fence of resentment that is keeping me from growing as a person. I can use that gate to get through it, but it is up to me to forgive.
My Stepfather and I Are Connected
Whether we like it or not, we are very similar people in a lot of ways; which is why we butt heads so often. Like electric eels, one of us must change our frequency to accommodate the other when we are too much on the same wavelength. Since we have such close ties to my mother, and both require her attention when we are sick, it is a constant battle of energy fields repelling one another.
We are also connected by my brother and his death. We are both grieving over the loss of his life. Perhaps we have different ways of doing so, but that really does not matter. We still have that connection which bounds us together for life.
The only way for me to find peace is to stop holding onto the pain and the idea that in some ways he helped caused my brother’s death. I believe in some ways my stepdad blames me for my brother’s death as well. If nothing else, he believes I took his photo of my brother as a child and he is using that belief to project his grief onto me – as though it was my fault my brother is gone. Additionally, I have a sincere belief that he wishes I was the one who died, not NCA.
Finding Hope Behind the Pain
I am a stubborn person, but I want very much to move on with my life from this hurtful, difficult situation I am in. There are ways for me to accomplish this, yet it is so very hard to let go and forgive when the other person wants to hold onto his negativity against me. How do I do it?
When I am around, he barely speaks to me. At one point, right before I was hospitalized a few weeks ago, he convinced my mother I was to blame over that photo. I want so much to be exonerated from the loss of the picture, but there is no way to prove I did not do it.
So we are at an impasse. Either I forgive him or I will continue to hurt. Whether he forgives me is not a contention, because he wants to hold onto his pain. It is all he has left. For me, though, I still have hope.
I hope that I will have a better future than my past has been. If I make it so, then I believe I can. Yet, if I continue to believe I am not good enough, or don’t deserve it, I will stay in place. This is not an option for myself or my daughter. I guess that means it’s time to move on and forgive him, even if he refuses to forgive me.