With the passing of another year, I have yet to find meaning or purpose in the existence of the human race. Looking forward to the sadness and negativity that shall surely come along with our next president is deeply perturbing, yet there is nothing we can do to change the future. Perhaps, the dark side has actually won this time. That is why it is up to us who care to carry forward the light.
This year I have hurt a lot, but learned a lot. One thing I really discovered this year is that you can’t let the outside get to you – or expect it to save you. No matter how much booze I drank, meds I take or how many products I’ve purchased, I’m still feeling empty. As Bob Dylan put it, “You can’t find it on a Macy’s window sill and you can’t find it on a dollar bill.”
I am not a religious person, but I do believe myself to be spiritual. My mother said something tonight that was upsetting – maybe because it reminded me of the short time I will spend in this body, in this life. Maybe it was that she seemed so accepting of the fact that things are horrendous and in denial of it all, and yet those things still continue to upset me. After all, if we who have do not help those who do not, aren’t we helping the injustice in the world? To her, the answer is no.
What she said was, “We are only here for a short time, anyway.” The statement annoyed me, because it seems like a cop-out for dealing with what is (and has been for millennia) going on all around us. On the other hand, it means we should be happy with what blessings we are given, no matter how small or large. After all, we should enjoy our brief time on this planet, not spend it as grief time on this planet.
Should it bother me that our planet will likely be destroyed more and more in the next four years? Yes. Should I let it ruin my life while I still have a chance to live it? No. I have been struggling with all of the problems, the weight of the world if you will, by slowly working at killing myself with alcohol. We are all going to die anyway, why should I not accelerate the process?
I have one main reason, which is my child. However, my emergency room nurse practitioner reminded me a little while back that I need to live for myself, to find some happiness for me and me alone. Do I believe I can do that? Do I even believe that there is anything worth trying for anymore when it comes down to just me? After all, the world has a history of terrible problems, so why should I expect anything other than pain and suffering?
I suppose I should not. However, I can do this. I can look for what it positive in the world, rather than what is negative. It is difficult, but it is possible. So for 2017, my goal and purpose is to avoid negative energy and become a positively-charged person. If that means changing my whole angle on things, then that is what I will have to do. My mom may be onto something with her denial tactics. Even though I find them abhorrent, I can perhaps learn from them.
Will I be successful? Only time will tell. The glass-half-empty pessimism in me says no, but the optimist that is dying to come out tells me yes. You can do it. Look for the light and you will make it.
“One little flicker of light, can erase the dark.” – Atmosphere