I have not written anything on here for awhile – since March, to be exact. I know why I have stayed away. There was way too much going on in my life with the drama of my dad making his appearance in the comments section of this website, along with a lot of other menial issues. I have also been working on a lot of other projects which I thought would assist me in moving on with my life. I was wrong. They didn’t; they were merely distractions.
Although I’ve been gone, I haven’t escaped the path of mental illness. In fact, I have delved into it deeper this year, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. It seems as though the more you resist, or attempt to shut out your pain, the more you are likely to suffer from it. That’s why mindfulness is so important.
We must pay attention to the grieving and give it time to settle down. It will not go away just because we want it to. The loss of a relationship, a life, a friendship, a job – these are problems which trigger intense emotion. Whether I want to feel that pain is not the issue here; instead, it is how I respond to it.
Sometimes I think I am better off alone, without the frustration of dealing with other human beings. It makes me angry to feel like I must fit into this society that rejects people like me. I can’t help who I am – a round peg trying to fit into a square cog.
Other times I think I can make it. I can help people who are suffering from loss. I worked as a family service counselor at a cemetery, after all. I am also writing for a website which spreads awareness about hunger in North America. I can help people, and I do help people. Yet, I still feel so empty inside.
Why can’t I help myself?
Part of me wants to blame my parents; another part of me wants to blame society, but what if I took away those problems? Would I still feel this way? The answer is, most likely.
I learned about energy awareness recently, quite by accident. Interestingly, I picked up this information from working at an aquarium. What I learned about the electric eels is that when two are too close in energy frequency – think of a station on a radio – one must adjust accordingly to be able to swim near the other.
Every living being on this planet, even in this universe, possesses an energy which either attracts or repels others similar and dissimilar to itself. As someone with bipolar disorder, my energy tends to do both. I can attract and repel people at the same time, which is very confusing for not only me, but others on the receiving end.
For example, my mother is attracted to the things I have accomplished and my endurance even in the midst of a storm. However, on the other hand, she is completely put off when I say or do something out of her comfort zone. Many people are like that with me. I can’t fit in anywhere I go, simply because I am forever doing and saying things that people either can’t, or do not want to, accept.
So what’s a person like me to do? Try to fit into the square cog and mold myself into shape? That would be the most logical choice. The problem is, the bipolar brain does not operate that way. It takes intense practice every day to see past the emotional waves that sweep through without warning.
Yes, there are signs that an episode is coming. Triggers are all around us. The change in seasons can cause depression. Starting a new project may increase anxiety. Trying to take on too much while feeling good can lead to mania. For me personally, I get triggered by my parents’ ongoing grief over the loss of my brother, and my mother’s incessant complaining about the mate that she chose.
I understand why they act the way they do, but I do not have enough stability in my own life to constantly be caring for their mental health. I must consider my own first. This is why I must leave them. They need to solve this for themselves, as do I.
So even though I disappeared for awhile, I’m still here. Don’t forget about me, because I represent the good and the evil. The yin and the yang reside within me. It’s about trying to find a balance so that the bad does not take over the good.